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We at What’s Up Hutch have been avid advocates of leaving the car at home and utilizing an alternative form of transportation - be it riding a bike, using public transit or walking. We’re all for it and commend anyone that can save a little gas and help the environment in the process. But there’s a behavior in some pedestrians that’s really irked me since the day I first started driving. Here’s an example of it, as happened to me just the other day:
I was stopped at the sign at 9th and Washington, headed north. Two guys stood on the opposite corner from me, facing east as though they were going to cross the street. I waited for them to cross, but they turned left (north) and began to walk. Just as I began to creep past the stop sign, they hooked right and began to cross the street. I stopped to wait for them to cross. They had me and they knew it.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Everybody knows that, including these guys. They meandered across the street in an arch, maximizing the amount of time they would be in the street. I waited for them to get to the curb before I began to cross 9th and drive up Washington past them. No gesture was made on my part. I didn’t honk. I simply waited for them, for which I was rewarded with an inappropriate hand gesture.
Right back at ya, buddy, by the way.
This is a trend I’ve noticed on several occasions in pedestrians. I wanted more information on the phenomenon. I wanted scientific data. For this, I turned to an accomplice of mine with a Doctorate in Psychology and a Masters in Sociology who specializes in pedestrians: Dr. Scholls. Here is a transcript of the interview.
Mitchell: Hello, doctor. How are you?
Dr. Scholls: Very well, thank you.
Mitchell: Dr. Scholls … That’s kind of a funny name, considering you specialize in pedestrians.
Dr. Scholls: Why’s that funny?
Mitchell: Because of the shoe company … Nevermind. You’ve done some research on a behavior in some pedestrians which causes them to actually slow down when they see an approaching car.
Dr. Scholls: That’s right, Mr. Hargrave. I along with my associate, Dr. Martin--
Mitchell: Doc Martin?!
Dr. Scholls: Yes. That’s right. After extensive research, we’ve noticed a certain compulsion, called Perceived Entitlement to Slow Traffic Syndrome. P.E.S.T.S., for short.
Mitchell: Hmm. A fitting acronym, if ever there was one. Eh, doc? Please, tell me more about P.E.S.T.S.
Dr. Scholls: It can manifest itself in several ways. Often, the pedestrian will look both ways, notice a car approaching in the far lane, jog across the empty lane, then slow to a stroll as they cross the lane with the oncoming vehicle.
Mitchell: They look both ways, huh? Sounds to me like they’re just jerks.
Dr. Scholls: Well, it’s a psychological disorder, so I don’t like to use derogatory terms for them.
Mitchell: Right. I understand. Is there any explanation for why they act this way?
Dr. Scholls: They seem to feel a subconscious need to express dominance in the situation. This is made apparent as they stare directly at the driver of the vehicle. Occasionally, there will be an inappropriate gesture, much like when the gentleman gave you the finger the other day.
Mitchell: Dominance? I’m in a car, and -- not to sound harsh -- could crush them.
Dr. Scholls: Precisely. But they need to establish that they have the upper hand. They ultimately derive their comfort from the fact that, even when they’re crossing the street erratically, if you hit them, charges could be pressed on you up to the severity of vehicular manslaughter.
Mitchell: I don’t get it. They get comfort from the fact that I could potentially get in trouble if I hit them?
Dr. Scholls: Sort of. They mostly derive the comfort from the aspect of their being in the right. It’s a lot like when someone is driving and someone else rides up too close from behind. Often the driver will say “Go ahead and hit me, jerk. I’ll sue you.” The concept of easily profiting from another person’s err is so enticing that they completely disregard the prospect of personal injury.
Mitchell: Where I come from, we call that an opportunistic a-- you know what.
Dr. Scholls: Ahem. Well … different strokes … I suppose.
Mitchell: Doc, is there any way one could recognize a person with P.E.S.T.S. in advance and avoid trouble.
Dr. Scholls: Generally these people will turn to cross the street around ten feet from the crosswalk. That’s just close enough to show that they really have no regard for the rules of the road, nor fellow man.
Mitchell: Well, thank you very much, Dr. Scholls. It’s been a pleasure.
And that concluded my interview.
When I was a kid, my parents taught me the basics of crossing the street. Look both ways. Use the crosswalk and the crossing light. Probably the most important thing they taught me, though -- the one which essentially implies every other fundamental rule: automobiles can freaking kill you! You’d better hope that the person you’re attempting to needlessly slow down actually notices you. Otherwise, your point is moot.
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